Attractive guy looking for Portland Maine

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Like Patton Oswalt once said, "Dating is like a really fun nightmare. Print it out if you need to, because checking your phone on a date is still incredibly lame. Your first date: She loves taking pictures of sunsets, so a t and a six-pack at Skidmore Bluffs is a guaranteed win.

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The two of you only get an hour of alone time before her friends materialize out a cloud of patchouli, dust, and chillvibes. She leaves abruptly when she finds out a Couchsurfer her housemates are putting up fed her cat some edibles. The inevitable breakup: She bails on plans to go camping one day and vanishes into thin air. Your friends never had the chance to meet her and you begin to wonder if she was even real to begin with. You swear the latest visualization reel Tycho uses on tour has slo-mo clips of her hula-hooping in the desert, but no one believes you.

He inexplicably has 15k Instagram followers. Your first date: A trap night his friend is throwing at Holocene. He then disappears for a week, loses his phone, and hits you up a month later at 4am with a story about how a last-minute VIP ticket for What the Festival is the reason he ghosted. The Spiritual Predator Dane, 41 Neighborhood: Kerns You meet Dane in line at Whole Foods when he fumbles to present the reusable packaging for his various roots and herbs to the cashier in a timely fashion.

Your first date: Smoothies at Prasad in The Pearl. He shows up wearing frayed harem pants and makes passive aggressive comments about the immoral clothing choices of the gaggle of young moms in Lululemon pants at the adjacent table. Your first date: Cocktails at Jacknife. You wake up in his luxury apartment the next morning wondering if that helicopter ride you vaguely remember was a dream or not. Your first date: A potluck picnic in Mt.

Tabor Park. You get an uneasy feeling about the food you just ate when Chad rolls a post-meal fatty and tells you about his favorite dumpster-diving spots on 82nd. And that boat he lives on? You have no idea what to say when you and Brittany match, but she goes hard out of the gate and has plans locked down in under five minutes.

The inevitable breakup: You start to worry when she stops texting you bathroom selfies 30 times a day, so you take to the internet to do some recon. Attractive guy looking for Portland Maine find her other Instagram and come across a photo of her smiling ear to ear because the tattooed, Affliction-wearing ex-marine boyfriend she has a kid with -- neither of which you had any clue about -- finally proposed to her.

The Womynist Leitha, 31 Neighborhood: St. Your first date: A vegan powerviolence show at Black Water Bar. The Neckbeard Brad, 34 Neighborhood: Foster-Powell Brad quit his boring in Southern California and moved Portland to get a foothold in the craft beer industry before it gets too corporate.

Brad loves his PAX 2 vaporizer but absolutely detests stoner humor. Cannabis is artisanal craft, too, bro.

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Your first date: Beers and burritos at Apex. A few beers later. Your first date: Drinks at Sweet Hereafter.

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You notice she keeps ordering cider but try not to say anything about it because you know a long-winded science lesson about gluten is right around the corner. You make plans to go on a hike in The Gorge that weekend and your Instagram is immediately inundated with her tagging you in every picture of a mountain she can find for the next four days. The inevitable breakup: She ditches you when the only remotely attractive guy in her class finally dumps his girlfriend and makes a move.

They couples match at the hospital of some Big Ten university and are never heard from again. The Basic Beavertonian Kev, 31 Neighborhood: Raleigh Hills With a condo, a solid Nike paycheck, and a deep respect for his overbearing mother who lives two miles away, Kev is everything your parents want you to desire in a partner. Your first date: Sushi at Bamboo on 23rd.

You both go hard with the Yamazaki and take an Uber back to his place. The Inevitable Breakup: After a month straight of staying over and bingeing on Netflix docs and pricy Postmates deliveries, Kev settles and stops wearing anything besides black Nike workout gear. After seeing her in meetings with middle-aged executives every morning at your neighborhood coffee shop your paths finally cross at an Avett Brothers show at Edgefield.

Your first date: Happy hour at Rontoms. Andrea tells you how much she loves seeing hipsters in their natural habitat. She then smacks your hand before you take a bite of your hummus platter -- she needs to Instagram a photo of it for her food blog while it still looks so pretty!

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You have no recollection of giving her a link to your LinkedIn profile. The inevitable breakup: Andrea keeps dragging you to networking mixers that are full of people with their Twitter handles on their nametags. You delete your LinkedIn profile and never look back. She heard from her comedian friends that Portland is basically Brooklyn with trees, so she threw her few belongings in a Duane Reade bag and drifted west in search of cheaper rents and beardier men.

Your first date: A multimedia gallery opening at a fly-by-night event space in the Southeast Industrial District. The Dog Mom Kelly, 32 Neighborhood: Laurelhurst Kelly is a sweetheart with strong maternal instincts and a refreshing lack of judgment and pretense. Your first date: A hike in Forest Park.

She takes a selfie of the three of you near the overlook at Pittock Mansion and tags it MyBoys. The inevitable breakup: You get tired of your dining options being limited to bars with dog-friendly patios and you keep getting asked to leave real restaurants that Kelly insists are pro-Toby. The Self-Aware Midwesterner Steve, 32 Neighborhood: Sunnyside Like most transplants, Steve moved to Portland without any solid plans besides riding his bike everywhere and hopefully living in a bungalow with some dudes.

Your first date: Happy hour at Aalto Lounge. You feel sorry for breaking up with him until he posts a link to a story he wrote about dating that involves a few characters that bear more than just a coincidental resemblance to your most obvious traits.

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You get engaged to the next guy you meet on OK Cupid within six months. Pete Cottell is a Portland-based writer who's eternally single and may or may not refer to himself as "Steve. Our Newsletter. Become a Local Insider in Portland. Get our expert guides to your new favorite city.

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Attractive guy looking for Portland Maine

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